i award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul

I don’t know you--to be fair, there was that time we “met” thru that one friend of a friend, but all we did was stiffly shake hands--yet I already know everything about you. See, I fine-toothed your profile when you sought out and befriended me on Facebook. Here’s what I discovered:

1) You are adamantly against country music, but you love “everything else.” This is highly coincidental. I, too, appreciate the late 70s/early 80s Manchester scene! We should talk about it sometime.

2) You like “wheat toat [sic] slathered with Smuckers strawberry jam,” but you do not like when the underside of the pillow is too cold. That freaks you out. Puppies, also, are great.

3) You do not read things unless they are glossy, colorful things with lots of pictures and exclamation points. I know this because you wrote “Us Weekley [sic]” when prompted to list your favorite books.

4) Some mysterious person with a one-letter name (-R) once said, “the blue one!” That is apparently one of your favorite quotations, as is “your [sic] totaly [sic] paying for that," a funnyism attributed to a person named -M.

5) You do NOT like when people ignore your phone calls. They are jerks.

6) You like sweet kisses.

7) I can tell by that heavily-shadowed, super-dramatic, overly-filtered profile pic of 1/8 of your out-of-focus face that you’re very, very beautiful. And, like, artistic. Look at all that negative space! Where was this taken? An aquarium? It's soooo ambient.

8) You're in a troubling amount of pictures, and I'm convinced you know every twentysomething in D.C. Wading through your indexed albums (SUMMER, FREINDS [sic], RANDOM), though, I'm having trouble differentiating one orange-skinned blonde from another. They all look the same to me. The babe--I mean, the girl--pretending to lasso that fauxhawked dude in album 2, picture 12…is she the same one spilling that obnoxious cocktail with the obtuse novelty straw in album 9, picture 48?

9) Politically, you are “moderate.”

10) Judging by your last four status updates, things are not going very well for you right now.

11) Emoticons? You’re for ‘em!

12) When it comes to religious views, you are “...”. (I have no idea how to punctuate the end of that sentence.) I don’t know what "..." means. Do you worship an ellipsis?

13) You “love to have fun” and you “love laughing.”

14) That David Nicholson guy wants to get in your pants. He’s posted on your wall six times since yesterday evening. He, like you, doesn’t shy from emoticons.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
...