an exercise in futility

Actual conversation with a woman buying golf clubs for her husband:

Me: “Hi there. Whatcha lookin’ for?”
WBGCFHH: “Oh, hello. Hi. My husband turns 50 on Wednesday. He wants to get into golf. I’m here to buy him some stuff to get started...you know, the basics. Poles and a bag--he’ll need a bag, right?--and some balls. Kind of to surprise him.”
Me: “A gift?”
WBGCFHH: “Yeah.”
Me: “Great. Has he ever played before?”
WBGCFHH: “I don’t think so. No--no, he hasn’t.”
Me: “Ok. As far as clubs go, you’re gonna want to start him off with something forgiving and easy to hit. I've got just the thing. Follow me.”
WBGCFHH (fingering a set of irons on the wall, then another set): “I’ve noticed that the metal part on these poles is smaller than the metal part on these poles. Why?”
Me: “Well, these CLUBS are smaller and sleeker because they’re for better players. People new to the game usually opt for fatter clubs. The part that actually strikes the ball is known as the clubface. The larger the clubface, the larger the “sweet spot.” This means that poorer players aren’t penalized very harshly for their errant shots. These puppies are easier to hit than the ones that look like tableware. Small clubfaces are for people who know what they’re doing.”
WBGCFHH: “Why are there so many?”
Me: “So many what?”
WBGCFHH: “So many poles. Can’t you unscrew the metal part at the bottom and switch it out?”
Me: “Switch it out?”
WBGCFHH: “Are these not the same? Why are there eight or nine of them, and not just one?”
Me: “Oh. Well, all these clubs are different. They perform different functions. Clubs come in varying degrees. By degrees, I mean the angle at which a club will project the ball into the air. See? (I demonstrate the difference between a 3-iron and a pitching wedge.) This means that the ball will fly at different heights when hit with different clubs.”
WBGCFHH: “Well, they should just put it all one one metal pole. That way, you’d save metal, and all you’d have to carry would be the big parts at the bottom. Then you could just screw ‘em on.”
Me: “Haha. Yes, they already developed that, actually, but it never caught on.”
WBGCFHH: “I should re-invent it.”
Me: “You should.”
WBGCFHH: “How are they different?”
Me: “Pardon me?”

WBGCFHH: “The poles--clubs--how are they different? This one is longer than this other one, and the heavy part at the end isn’t as--fat and clunky.”
Me: “Oh. Well, they vary by degrees, as I was saying, and by length. That's standard. Clubs with a very low degree--say, 9 degrees--are longer in the shaft and used when you want to hit it low and far. Clubs with a very high degree--this one in my hand is a 49 degree wedge--are shorter in the shaft and used to pop the ball up in the air. It's all science. The longer irons--the ones that propel the ball the furthest--tend to have less bulk at the clubface. That's just the way it is. It's science. I don't mess with science.”
WBGCFHH: “How much is a collection of these clubs? $75? $100?
Me: “No, no. They start at $399. The premier sets on the wall sell for $1299. It’s an expensive game.”
WBGCFHH: “I’ll say!”
Me: “Yeah.”
WBGCFHH (walking to the rack of fairway woods): “And then there’s these. What’s up with these? These don’t look like those.” (She gestures back to the wall of iron sets.)
Me: “No, you’re right. These are woods. Woods are used for hitting the ball a long way.”
WBGCFHH: “Why?”
Me (confused): “Well, sometimes you want to hit it a long way. These clubs have the most meat behind the face--the most muscle--so there’s more of a wallop at impact. Plus, they’re much easier to hit than many of the irons you just saw.”
WBGCFHH: “Do all golfers have the metal ones and these ones?”
Me: “Irons and woods? Yes. I’ve met only one man who carried nothing but irons, and he was a bit eccentric. Plus, he wasn’t a very good player.”
WBGCFHH: “So what do I buy?”
Me: “I wouldn’t buy anything yet. Have your hubby come in. We’ll get him fitted for a set.”
WBGCFHH: “Gosh, you really know what you’re doing.”
Me: “Not really, but I’m getting there.”
WBGCFHH: “I’ll bring him in.”
Me: “See you soon.”
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