
I’ve got a serious cheese problem.
This afternoon, after an impulsive, wholly unnecessary food purchase (two heavily Parmesanned slices and a bottle of ginger ale) at Kingston Pizza, I headed down to the grocery and reached for a hand basket. Then I got lost in the aisles.
Some items taunted me more than others. A few multi-colored packages with recognizable names (they were very pretty, and positioned at eye-level) badmouthed their generic opponents and muttered something about standards of quality, but I dismissed their propagandistic ways. In all things sport (and food), I pull for the underdog.
The cereals were particularly aggressive. I told them to shut up. They hissed and hissed. Things became confused, like. What to buy?
After a few tense minutes I re-emerged at the front of the store and didn’t know what else to do, so I got in the checkout line. My hand basket wasn’t empty any more. Now there were some random items in it. (Shopping lists are for pussies.) I stood there in line and looked down at the basket to see what made the cut, since your guess is as good as mine.

1) One half gallon of milk
2) One box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
3) One brick of sharp cheddar cheese
I’m not making this up. Those were the items. Jesus, I thought, what the hell is wrong with me? I go from a pizza lunch to--this? My poor body.
“Ma’am,” I yelled, motioning to the cashier, “what sorta scam are you running here? Where’s the veggies? All you sell are dairy products! You should be ashamed of yourselves! How’s a guy to scare up a square meal in this town? I have half a mind to…”
“Right over there, sir,” she replied. “Behind you. Next to the fruits.”
“Ahhh hell,” I said.
As I type this, I'm drinking from a glass of milk. God help me.
...
3 comments:
Two Words - Easy Mac.
Bring that mac and cheese over. Let's cook it. Remember, we'll both need family size packets.
I'm hungry now.
Post a Comment