shame on you, mike lupica

Every weekday, with few exceptions, I purchase a copy of the New York Daily News from the corner store for $.50. Seeing as I rarely plan out anything beyond the turning of the hour, you might say this seemingly innocuous newsstand stop marks my last white-knuckled tie to routine.

New Yorkers who choose to read a physical, tangible newspaper on their morning commute are not without options. Off the top of my head, there’s The Wall Street Journal ($2.00) and The New York Times ($2.00) for those who want “real news,” and The New York Post ($.50), the Daily News ($.50), amNew York (free) or Metro (free) for those who prefer their news watered-down, sensationalized and/or easily digestible.

I endorse the News. Though this tabloid lacks intelligent, comprehensive, properly grammatorial coverage, it makes up for those pesky shortcomings by providing conveyors full of hot, gossipy sump, intelligence-insulting pseudo facts, and poorly-notated graphs of dubious legitimacy that serve to complicate issues that weren’t even issues until the News ran out of story ideas. When not engaged in a verbal pissing match with the Post to determine who is the greatest $.50er in town, the News gleefully stamps tales of human folly on front and back page, thus suckering suckers like me out of my quarters, because who among us doesn’t love a good scandal?

Perhaps my favorite News articles are those penned by Mike Lupica (right), a dastardly man who holds the singular distinction of being the worst columnist to ever boast a byline. Lupica, a “writer”/commentator who addresses both politics and sports, struggles mightily with the basics of the English language and pontificates from his Pulpit Of Authority on all matters, though he doesn’t appear to know the first thing about basic political stratagems or even the infield fly rule.

To illustrate Lupica’s ineptitute, I’ll now post a sampling of sentences pulled from his political column in today’s News:

“Young was on ‘20/20’ with Bob Woodruff the other night, telling us all about it, telling about how he protected a liar like Edwards with lies of his own, and now wants us to pin a medal on him because he’s got a new house that needs financing.”

“Sometimes politics seems to be a parade of guys like this, an endless parade of lightweights and phonies and horny, aging adolescents, to the point where you imagine the whole thing with floats, like it’s the Macy’s parade on Thanksgiving.”

“What Edwards did to his wife, who he is, that will never be funny.”

Each of the above examples--especially the last, in which he errs three times in a fourteen word sentence--demonstrate Lupica’s irresponsibility in all matters commatic. Those little curlicued devices are not your personal plaything, dude, and they don’t give you license to lazily mash unrelated or semi-related thoughts into a directionless mega sentence. The English language doesn’t work that way.

Cut the bullshit. Man up. Take pride in your column, and quit relying on airy, weightless repetition (“…telling us all about it, telling about how…”) to fill white space.

Perhaps it’s time to stop stating the obvious. Your “columns” reveal nothing new. Simply regurgitating existing news stories does not a column make. YOUR purpose at the paper is to take those news stories (which have already been--duh--reported) and COMMENT on them. Drawing comparison between a string of recent political scandals and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (?) accomplishes nothing, and frankly makes your work appear all the more sophomoric.

You’re probably all wondering why I read the News if I’m clearly dissatisfied with the quality of its content. Fair inquiry. In response, I’ll say only this: At 9 in the morning, I value light entertainment over heavy news. Given my predilections, News>Times. Though the News won't offer any insight into, say, U.S. relations with Japan, I'm sure to find a few half-baked celebrity quotes to get me through breakfast.
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