can YOU name two members of coldplay?

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Seeing as I'm uninspired and brain dead tonight (but antsy to post something, ANYTHING), what better than a series of mundane, meaningless lists that will be brushed over by 9 sets of eyeballs before being whisked off to some internet scrap heap where foul bathroom humor and yellow tabloid rancor lie in spoons?

(All lists are presented with no particular order in mind.)

5 things Mike hates more than the dentist:

1. Shopping for clothes
2. Poor grammar
3. Excessive winds
4. Jeremy Piven (pic at right)
5. Fauxhawks

8 lamest band names ever:

1. The Weakerthans
2. Girl Talk
3. My Morning Jacket
4. Crystal ______ (Fill in the blank; it hardly matters what you choose.)
5. Gnarls Barkley
6. Any band with the word “fuck” in the name (e.g. Fuck Buttons, Holy Fuck.)
7. Nickelback ('Specially when you discover--with horror--that their name was dreamt up by one of the band members who used to work at Starbucks. Due to the pricing system ($x.95), he'd always give a "nickel back" as change. What a buncha wankers.)
8. The Disco Biscuits

8 greatest band names ever:

1. The Conjugal Visitors
2. The Butthole Surfers
3. Jesus H. Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse
4. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
5. The Velvet Underground
6. The Celibate Sluts
7. The Mothers of Invention
8. Throbbing Gristle

[ed. 2/25: The The probably deserve honorable mention]

5 most pretentious band names ever:

1. Earth
2. Genesis
3. Nirvana
4. The Band
5. The Creation

5 worst song titles ever:

1. "Me-You=Loneliness" (Dr. John)
2. "I Think Therefore I Rock ‘n’ Roll" (Ringo Starr)
3. "A Lot Of Nothing" (Coheed & Cambria)
4. "You Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will." (Bright Eyes)
5. "Pink Bullets" (The Shins)


5 most overlooked candy bars:

1. Nibs
2. Charleston Chew
3. Whatchamacallit
4. 100 Grand
5. Chuckles



8 bands with exactly one (1) member that you can identify by name:

1. Coldplay
2. Blink 182
3. Santana
4. The Stone Temple Pilots
5. Soundgarden
6. Limp Bizkit
7. Nine Inch Nails
8. The Smashing Pumpkins

[ed. 2/25: Cary called me out on my bullshit. James Iha, of SP fame, is probably more of a household name than I supposed]

Worst writer in the New York Daily News:

1. Mike Lupica (This clown shouldn't be allowed to hold a pen. His columns are DISASTROUS. DISASTROUS! That's him on the left.)

5 strangest people Mike met while caddying:

1. Guy who played an entire 4 1/2 hour round of golf with Survivor's “Eye of the Tiger” programmed to repeat ad nauseum from a speakered iPod taped to his golf bag. He was funny. I'll give him that.

2. Tour Rich (Crazy-eyed caddie who overmedicated himself in the 60s but proved to be one of the, oh, 10 smartest people I've ever encountered. Frighteningly perceptive. My favorite Rich quote: "(sigh.) I need a break. Who wants to be Tour Rich today?")

3. "Gary” (A shrimpish mental midget with a penchant for coke, hookers and poker, this fella was a study in futility. My favorite "Gary" story (which may or may not be true): Three summers ago, he left OR with about $5000 in savings. He proceeded to blow (pun!) all $5000--and then some--on limos, women and pricey champagne in Vegas. This happened within 96 hours of his departure from Oregon.)

4. Nerdy lawyer dude who delivered the single greatest line I've ever heard: "Victory for Scott [his opponent] would require...an abject miscarriage of justice."

5. Frank (Angry cab driver who shuttled me to/from the Dunes for 4 years. Racist, bitter, misogynistic, greedy, corrupt. He moonlighted as a casino lounge singer.)

5 funny jobs Mike has had while temping:

1. Assistant to (topless) (gorgeous) female models during Cole Haan runway show.

2. Sweatshop work (de- and re-tagging small earrings and bracelets) at a prominent Manhattan jeweler.

3. Mailroom work at a University that shall go unnamed. Mike's mentor? Murray, an inaudible low talker with a stutter.

4. Coat check for an Hermes sample sale. 1200 bitchy, blue-haired, Upper East Side heiresses (see pic above) snatching up silk scarves that cost more than the computer I'm typing on.

5. Ann Taylor reception (42nd and Broadway...the belly of the Times Square beast) with a well-read, frizzy-haired woman named Lee who made me feel like an illiterate imbecile. "You've never heard of Fred Exley? WHAAAAAT?"

5 greatest television comedies of all time:

1. Seinfeld
2. Married With Children
3. The Simpsons
4. Arrested Development
5. Stella
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