i'm a hustler, baby...

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Poker played a significant role in my life for nearly three years.

For a brief (1:33) video about the basics of Texas Hold ‘Em poker, click here. I don’t feel like typing it all out.

I first learned the subtleties of the game back in ’03 when Chris Moneymaker (his real name, if you can believe it) won the World Series of Poker and sparked a bit of a boom. For a few days that summer, I watched ESPN with rapturous attention while Moneymaker outlasted 838 opponents to pick up the $2,500,000 payout. (He gained entrance to the WSOP via a $39 satellite tournament in an online card room.)

Poker blew up that year for a few reasons:

1) Moneymaker (pic at left) is an Average Joe. Utterly unqualified for poker stardom, he was working as an accountant when he won the tourney. Casual viewers, sensing that the poker world ain’t as insular as, say, the darts world (a world in which luck doesn’t play a role), quickly adopted an “If Moneymaker can do it, why not me?” mentality and commenced weekly house games with their buddies, Eyes>>>Stomachs.

2) ESPN showed “hole” cards on camera for the first time. “Hole” cards--the two cards you’re dealt in Texas Hold ‘Em before any community cards are revealed--are the cards that determine one’s initial betting strategy. In previous years, ESPN did not advertise the players’ hands, meaning the viewer was allowed little insight into player posturing, betting patterns, etc. “Hole” cards wouldn’t be divulged until after completion of a hand, if at all (you’re forced to show them only if an opponent calls your final bet). In 2003, that all changed. The voyeuristic nature of the pocket cam added immeasurably to the viewing experience and allowed laymen to practice their poker decisionizing in real time.

3) Lon McCarren and Norman Chad, ESPN’s go-to guys for the tourney, are two of the raddest announcers around. Lon’s a bit of a nerd, though his banter is spot-on and never superfluous; Norman is a sexually ambiguous, always-witty snarker who maintains (and demonstrates) sharp knowledge of the game.

4) ESPN provided incisive, comprehensive coverage in ’03. They highlighted crucial hands and omitted quiet, unimportant lulls in chip movement, meaning that poker was--for all intents and purposes--visually interesting to a television audience. That’s a rarity.

Anyway, that was around the time I began to play. Poker appeals to me because I recognize it for what it is: An engaging, cerebral match of wits where intellect wins out over luck. (In the long haul, anyway.) As Matt Damon proclaims in Rounders, there’s a reason the same fellas tend to end up at the WSOP final table, year after year.

Poker is a skill game. The best poker players in the world (Daniel Negreanu immediately comes to mind) can often identify your “hole” cards within two or three rounds of betting. Think about that. There are 1,326 distinct combinations of “hole” cards in a standard, 52-card deck. Everyone at the table is dealt one of those 1,326 hands. Let’s say you’re protecting one of them. After a few rounds of betting, there's a good chance that the highly skilled player has determined--beyond much doubt--that you’re holding one of four (4) hands. He’s essentially eliminated the other 1,322 possibilities, thus putting himself in position to plunder. The mental acuity required to perform such a feat is downright staggering. On the other end of the spectrum, the novice poker player relies solely on “gut” instinct, and rarely (if ever) has any idea what cards his opponents are holding. Astigmatic, he’s usually too concerned with the strength of his own hand to care about the rest of the table.

Strong players base their conclusions on your stratagem, which is probably not as opaque and inpenetrable as you presume. Math, intuition and their knowledge of human behavioral tendencies lead them to your cards. If you bet $50 into a $150 pot, the seasoned veteran picks up on that number and sets to ruminating: “Why did he bet $50, and not $25? Why not $75?” Your $50 bet says something about you. (Or, more specifically, it speaks volumes about the strength of your hand.)

Now that I’ve scared away all six of my followers with this confusing poker analysis, I’ll talk about myself. No one’s reading, anyway.

Here’s where I’ve played:

1) The LaGrange Country Club (IL) caddyshack.

2) The loft/attic in my buddy’s garage. (LaGrange.) He’d host bi-weekly poker parties. These usually entailed crumpled twenties, makeshift poker chips, domestic beer and violent cursing.

3) Lloyd’s Bar (Bandon, OR). Lloyd’s hosts a weekly Hold ‘Em tournament for caddies and locals. $25 to enter, plus the option to re-buy if you run out of chips in the first two hours of play. In the last four weeks of my first Bandon summer, I placed fourth, sixth, third, first. (There are 45-65 contestants, depending on the week.) That final payout was a smooth $1200 in cash. I’m awesome.

4) The Arcade Tavern (Bandon, OR). I wagered thousands of dollars at this place. They had a table set up in the back. We’d play $2/$4 limit games until 2 in the morning, five days a week.

5) Las Vegas. I bought in for $250 at the Bellagio (see pic) and sat down at a $4/$8 table. That $250 didn’t last long.

6) Online. At one point, I banned myself for one year from PokerRoom.com because I couldn’t stop playing. I’d swing $200-$500 a day, which just ain’t healthy for a person earning less than $50K a year. After a while, I had the good sense to nip it in the bud before grinding myself into financial straits.

7) Online (reprise). When I was unemployed and very nearly bankrupt about two months ago, I realized that I was gonna be $75 short on rent. Desperate, I transferred $25 from my checking to PokerStars.net and set out to earn the missing dollars. Four hours later I cashed out, $100 richer. A $125 check arrived in the mail at week's end. Haven’t played since.
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